The Confidence Booster Newsletter - July 2007
This issue of the Confidence Booster Workout Newsletter focuses on the theme of perfectionism. Perfectionism can have significant side effects on confidence. It can lead to being too hard on yourself; think that failure is unacceptable; and being unable to accept praise..
It takes the example of the worlds number one golfer Tiger Woods, who today is defending his Open title in Scotland at Carnoustie. You don't need to be a golf fan to follow this example. It shows how even the top professionals can be subject to the demand of perfectionism.
Remember - In The Presence Of Confidence, Doubt Cannot Exist
Tiger Woods And The Mystery Of The Majors
Tiger Woods won his first Major title in 1997. Since then he has added another eleven majors to his collection. In all of those events Tiger has been leading the championship going into the final day, day four. So, if Tiger has led going into the last day, he wins.
However, in twenty-nine Majors, Tiger has not been leading going into day four. In everyone of those twenty-nine tournaments he has failed to win. So how do we explain this phenomena, and how is it relevant to you and your confidence? Lets try and explain it.
On day four, if Tiger is leading a major, it is because he is playing his A game. Everything is flowing smoothly. His mind and body are working together as one. He executes all his plans as he intends to. He is settled.
However, if he is not leading, then this is a measure of the fact, that he is not playing his A game. Maybe it's a B or C game. Things aren't quite going to plan. What he intends and what he does aren't quite in sync. On day four, Tiger then strives for his A game. His winning game. He wants more from himself. He demands more.
The Cycle Of Frustration...
When he doesn't achieve what he demands of himself, you can see him start to get frustrated. Shaking his head a little. Tell tale signs of frustration. He is demanding his 9/10 game, but is playing his 6/10 game. The frustration grows. Frustration born out from not knowing why it's happening. Surely, I should be able to play my A game. Note the word should.
Frustration doesn't bridge this gap. It increases it. Frustration is a reaction about playing at 6/10 when 9/10 is being demanded. The reaction demands more from you. But you are already doing all you can. It's an unbearable demand. The 6/10 then falters to 5/10, due to the stress of trying to meet this demand. And so the frustration cycle builds.
This is a very common trait amongst people with a strong perfectionist streak. This is how it works. You have a desired outcome that you want. Win a game. Attract more clients to your business. You have created an expectancy of when you want this outcome to happen. Maybe based on other people's experiences. It happened for them. It should happen this way for me too.
When the outcome doesn't match the one you were expecting, a gap is created. A gap between what you wanted and what you got.
The brain needs to bridge this gap. It seeks equilibrium. How it bridges the gap depends on your personal history.
The Thought Patterns...
So one sequence of events goes...this shortfall is caused by the fact that I am not trying hard enough. I must try harder and harder. I mustn't let people down. The people who brought me up to always work hard.
When it seems that things won't change, this sequence of thoughts then starts to harden into an attitude. I didn't try hard enough. Or - Maybe I'm not good enough? Otherwise if I was good enough, I would have played at 9/10.
This then can lead to getting angry and frustrated at yourself or going more internal and feeling slightly depressed and engaging in comfort eating.
The thought patterns which get activated are the ones which get habitually activated. They get habitually activated because of the dominance of these thought patterns. They can act like the mafia in the way they exert control. We can come to defer to them, because of the power they hold. We read this power as a strength. They will protect us against the unknown. We learnt them when we were at an age of obedience. Obedience to authority. These thoughts are that authority. We must obey them.
A Different Measuring System
What is needed for change, is a fairer self-measuring system. A different sequence of thought patterns. One that is less reactive. Another measuring system would be one based on assessment and acceptance. So back to Tiger.
What Tiger could do is accept his situation. OK how can I win playing my 6/10 game? Relax into the fact that not everything is perfect. Not everything is as finely honed as he would like. Maybe there is a good reason for this?
The body is physically tired; the emotions are slightly out of balance; the mind is over stretched. All of these influences can impact on how you are. How you feel. It may not be possible to change them. The body may simply be in a cycle of recuperation and regeneration. Accept this. And so keep things simple. Don't fight yourself. You will not be letting anyone down.
This will bring the mind and body into sync. It will eliminate frustration. It will create harmony which will aid flow. Flow leads to better performance. From this place it is possible to win. But winning isn't the aim. Harmony is the aim. That marks the difference. That takes out the frustration. And increases the chance of success.
The Summary...
The key point in all of this is how you react to adversity. If you do so one way it can constantly reinforce all the negative thoughts you have about yourself and your life. If you are more careful and don't instantly rush to judgement upon yourself, then you may find you develop the art of negotiating the usual minefields and find new ways of resolving challenges.
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Thanks for reading this far down.
Please write to me at martin@theatreofwork.com with any questions or comments.
See you next time.
Martin
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Martin Perry is the Confidence Coach and the author of the popular self-help book The Confidence Booster Workout. His coaching is designed to liberate natural confidence.
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Contact Martin Perry - martin@theatreofwork.com
Tel: 00353 (0) 14417360 / 087 763 0682
